Long Distance Relationship: there is really something about it

 A long-distance relationship or LDR is typically an intimate relationship that takes place when the partners are separated by a considerable distance. No one is geographically undesirable anymore but many are geographically challenged with the goal of maintaining love at a distance.

Whether you are geographically at a distance or feel like you have a long distance relationship with the person next to you, it is worth asking:  What improves love at a distance? What damages it?

Here Are Some Factors That Play A Role:

Q) Why Are We Doing This?
A) The reason that a couple is at a distance will affect their expectations, their responses and the impact on their relationship. Did you choose the situation together? Are you dealing with a situation that life put on your path?

Clarifying Together - Knowing why you are in a LDR, the logistics, the timeline, the feelings and the expectations, eliminates hidden hurt and resentment and opens up the decision making process. Think of it as an on-going process.

Q) How Are We Doing this?

A) Relationship Security is a function of the sense of trust, faith and commitment one has in one’s partner and the relationship. It is what makes love at a distance possible. There are a number of strategies that enhance relationship security that may facilitate love at a distance

Relationship Maintaining Strategies:

1)   Positivity
An invaluable component of a secure relationship is an optimistic attitude toward your partner and the future. This is often re-enforced by each partner’s own resiliency i.e. acceptance of life’s situation, belief in self, belief in partner, spirituality, creativity, problem solving, and sense of humor.

2)  Assurances
Affirmations of commitment and support are crucial when things are difficult and partners are at a distance. The down-side of a long distance relationship is that the partner is not there. The upside is the degree to which partners come to appreciate each other. No one is taken for granted. Partners send and save the e-mails. They store up what they plan to say and look forward to hearing what the other has to say – their communication is often intended to reassure and connect.

3)  Openness
Disclosure of feelings, concerns and confidences with your partner only happens when you trust your partner and believe he/she accepts you. Being confidantes to each other is a mutual compliment. The feeling and reminder that talking to the partner is different than talking to anyone else affirms your relationship whether it is being done on the phone, in a letter or email.

4)  Sharing Tasks
(a) Positive Plans -Even miles and countries apart, partners can partner. An important consideration is   partnering on positive plans as well as problem-solving tasks. Planning or even fantasizing together about the next vacation or the short weekend coming up is crucial - It keeps desire and hope in the forefront.

(b) Problem Situations -In terms of problem situations, the ability to listen and contain the feelings your partner is sharing, is invaluable. The fact that your partner tells you the problems- DOES NOT IMPLY BLAME OR NEED FOR SOLUTIONS – it means he/she is venting and sharing life with you. Asking if your partner is ok, checking to see if more help is needed, complimenting what he/she has done, and wishing you were there goes a long way. If the problem was solved – even in a way you would not have done it – accept and appreciate it. Partners at a distance need supporters not supervisors.

Q) What Disrupts and Dilutes Long Distance Relationships?
A) Negativity-Research suggests that one of the factors that lead to termination of long-term relationships is negativity.  This is primarily caused by pessimism, high anxiety and continued conflict in the relationship.

Reaction to Negativity -Part of what escalates the decline in the relationship is the reaction to the negativity. When there is no face to face contact or opportunity to de-escalate the tension or even physically connect as a way to reduce pessimism or anxiety, relationship security becomes very difficult.

Q) What about Homecoming? 
A) Some say that the most difficult part of a long-distance relationship is the homecoming. Some partners, in fact, admit that their relationship works because there is no definite homecoming.  They keep separate houses, he is at Northern part for months, and she is career military.

Q) Most partners long for the homecoming or life together.

A) For couples who have never permanently lived together, the decision to live together brings with it the start of a new way of relating and the necessary adjustments and joys that living “ up close and personal” offer.

  

Some Homecoming Tips:

v   Recognize that homecoming or finally being together is a process that takes some time. Be patient and assume the best as you readjust together.

v   You both developed coping styles while living apart– be it friends, the gym, music, books – don’t suddenly give them up or ask your partner to give up his/hers. Don’t make fear-based decisions. Recognize change as valuable.

v   Recognize that love at a distance often fosters the best and most idealized version of our partner. Don’t be upset if you can’t hold on to the thrilling image of your partner when he is home fighting for the TV remote or she is complaining about the garbage. You are both human - there is still magic.

If there is a reason to love at a distance- believe in each other and you will find a way to make it work and a place to be together

Celebration of love and togetherness........THREE YEARS IT IS

For my love Rishi,

Happy three year wedding anniversary to my remarkable husband. I really couldn’t have dreamt you up if I tried. God definitely out did Himself and sent me His best. I hope you know the best years of my life started with you, and that you actually make me look forward to growing old because I know you’re by my side. I am beyond thankful to God for you.

We celebrated our anniversary in a one more memorable way by being to a monument of love, THE TAJ MAHAL. God is so good, because we had no clue as to what we should do to celebrate. As our anniversary weekend approached we didn’t stress about it because we were just grateful for being married to each other. But then God did something amazing, AGAIN! We just found out that this time we have a long weekend and by just taking a single day off I can spend four days with him. God is always on time and you never have to force what is meant to be. God will just make it happen for you if it’s in His will.  

It is just a wonderful experience to be on the side of your husband and celebrate the special days and evenings with him, away from all the worldly affairs and away from all the worries. We happen to be in the same hotel for the second time and it was really a wonderful experience again. This reinforces that it is not only the place but majorly the company that makes a place worth visiting. I also realized that you do not have to have any conversation to make each other know what you feel and what you want. It is just the silence that plays a role between you two both. There is just a voice that doesn’t use words. We experience that during our trip. Now I know that it’s not what I feel for him, but rather it is something I could not feel for anyone else.

On another note, I have been blessed with many questions asking me to share “how I knew my husband was the one”, “how do I maintain a healthy relationship?” or asking “how do you know who is the right one to marry?” Marriage first and foremost is a spiritual relationship. It works best when two people are connected individually to God, walking with Him, obeying Him in scripture, and praying as individuals and as a couple. If you push the spiritual dimension to the side, you are ignoring the very God who created marriage, the one who can help you make it work (I want a Godly marriage). Marriage is much much bigger than just getting married for selfish reasons (this is why the divorce rate is so high). It is a union God designed to bring Him glory; for two are better than one. I will be sharing a post with you guys on “how to know if a guy is marriage material”.

I would again say, ALL THE GLORY IS TO GOD.

What do I do when I feel like GIVING UP!

I am struggling today. If you have ever struggled to be consistent with something you care about, may be my struggle will resonate with you too.

It has been exactly 500 days since May’06’2014. That is the day when I joined my present job away from my husband. It’s almost 1 year and 5 months ago. During these 500 mostly glorious, but sometimes frustrating days, I have travelled numerous times, to numerous places and for many different reasons but majority of time the reason was to be with my husband.

But today? Well, today I am struggling. Today, I don’t feel like working any more. Today I don’t feel like sticking to the routine. Today I feel like I don’t have a good reason to be working apart from my husband. Today, I don’t feel like I have enough time to make the good reason, to be working away, any great. Today, I feel like giving up. Although many researches shows that grit is the characteristics linked most closely to success. I really wish I could use some grit today.

While thinking of quitting, I am simultaneously thinking of the incidences when earlier also I though the same way. And I am reminded of these things

MIND IS A STRUGGLEING ENGINE

It is better to consider every thought as a suggestion and not an order. Right now my mind is suggesting that I should give up as my mind and body is tired. Hence it is suggesting that I give up. It is suggesting that I take an easier path.

If I pause for a moment, however, I can discover new suggestions. My mind is also suggesting that I will feel very good about accomplishing this work once this is done. It is suggesting that I will respect the identity I am building when I stick to the schedule. It is suggesting that I have an ability to continue with the work, even when I don’t feel like.

I remind myself that none of these suggestions are orders. They are mere options. I have power to choose which option I follow.

DISCOMFORT IS TEMPORARY

    Relative to the time in your normal days or week, nearly any habit you perform is over quickly. I just remind my mind that my life is good and my discomfort is temporary. Therefor it is just that the time during my discomfort seems lengthier than the normal. And majorly this is the reason I could survive for last 500 days. It taught me that once you step in the moment of discomfort, it just strengthen you further.

YOU WILL NEVER REGRET THE GOOD WORK ONCE IT IS DONE

     So often it seems that we want to work easily at work worth doing. We want our work to be helpful and respected, but we do not want to struggle through our work. We want our stomach to be flat but we do not want to grind through another workout. We want the final result but not the failed attempts that precede it.

    And yet, despite my resistance to it, I have never found myself feeling worse after the hard work was done. There have been days when it was dam hard to start, but it was always worth finishing. Sometimes, the simple act of showing up and having the courage to do the work, even in an average manner, is a victory worth celebrating.

THIS IS LIFE

     Life is a constant balance between giving into the ease of distraction and overcoming the pain of discipline. Our lives and our identities are defined in this delicate balance. It is the sum of hundred thousand daily battles and tiny decisions to either gut it out or give it up.

    This moment when you don’t feel like doing the work, this is the moment to be thrown away. This is not a dress rehearsal. This is a moment in your life as any other moment. Just spend it in a way that will make you proud.

RESULT

      So what do I do when I feel like giving up? I SHOW UP! I think my job is to do the work and let the supreme power decide when and how I should be better off.

I can conquer the world with one hand as long as you keep holding the other

I once had talked to a guy who wouldn’t show affection to his wife in public. Why? He wanted to be a good role model for young boys.

Did he really just say that holding hands with his wife in front of people was being a bad role model? His reasoning made me sad. Really it did. It also left me speechless. I only saw them hold hands once. That was it~~ and they were newlyweds!

I believe that the small act of holding hands in public can be a big witness. Holding hands with your wife shouldn’t be looked down upon at any place, nor do in prayer halls neither at work place and not at all in public market places. I am thankful that there are couples who serve together in ministry as well as contribute their best in business together. I think it is great to show youth strong thriving marriages, especially since there are a lot of marriages that seem to be in crisis.

I disagree with this man’s reason for not showing affection with his wife in public. I think a great way for a husband to be a role model is to show affection to his wife in public. How is it bad to hold hands of your wife in public? I don’t feel it is. 

There are so many other things which a man can teach to many other young men around. Like, they must not slander others or be heavy drinkers. They should teach others what is good. These older men/women must train the younger men/women to love their wives/husbands and their children, to live wisely and be pure, to work in their homes, to do well, and to be submissive to each other. Then they will not bring shame on the word of God.

I believe that women do have responsibilities and I do take that seriously. I believe that how wives treat their husbands is important, and can be a witness. Wives, we can witness not just to girls, but to everyone. I honestly believe that having a healthy marriage based on scriptural principles can be an incredible witness to the world! 

Holding hands should be, in my humble opinion, an outward sign of a happy and healthy marriage.

If holding hands with your husband/wife in public is hard for you, I hope the following will encourage you. If you feel that it is awkward, maybe you can take some small steps towards this. Start by holding hands in the movie theater or under the table at a restaurant. Then start holding hands when you go on walks together. Hopefully it can become second nature for you and your husband to hold hands in a crowd. It is really a blessed feeling. Each one of you should appreciate that each of you want to show the world unashamedly that you both are proud to be with each other and at the same time letting each one of you know how much you love each other.

I read it recently that Floyd, 90, and Violet Hartwig, 89, married for nearly seven decades have died at their home five hours apart while holding hands. They both were childhood sweethearts who remained inseparable right up until the last moments that they spent together. Little did they know that years later they would live a life defined by an unwavering love for and dedication to one another, and ultimately, by a deep, handheld connection.

Be blessed and take pride in showing it to the world around that you are in love with a right person!

When life seems difficult and everything seems to go wrong

Life is not always a walk on roses, nor it is full of chocolates and mangoes on your plate, but still you have to move on and live on. Sometime things happen your way and many other times you do not like the way God has planned things to transpire. Sometimes you refuse to accept what God has in store for you by ignoring the opportunity which has come your way and at many occasions you just keep waiting for the good things to come your way.

I am stuck in same situation since few days now. I do not see things happening my way. I am left shattered many times when what I expected refused to materialize. And with this came the disappointment, frustration, grief and negative attitude towards everything around.

You always want a logical, real and practical reason behind everything that happens for good or not so good. You just cannot accept things without looking into the every single and minute detail of it. And, exactly when you are gloomy, all looks so negative and dark because of your up-side-down attitude/approach towards life & wrong timings of things being fashionable around you.

All I could bring out in the process is that even when your schedule does not matches with the schedule God has set for things to ensue; one should not stop putting in efforts. Just avoiding all those things which are the reasons for delay and are very much under your control to be practiced will never ever reduces your anxiety. The moment you stop doing anything which you needed or could have done, the delay will be indefinite and you will be declared as a looser because of your own self and not because of anyone else. But all those things which cannot be controlled should be let go. For example; you cannot stop people from being verbose, interfering and self-seeking rather all you can do is to maintain a safe distance and keep moving in your life.

All I have learnt in the process is that we should keep putting in our efforts without waiting or thinking about the results; because God blesses only those who keep trying for the results. Identify the problems; work on those whole heartedly and then only you should leave the results and timings on him. But without your cent percent efforts even God will not help you.

All said and done, important is that Faith should always be there. It needs to prevail in everything to come.

hasta la vista

You may be given retirement because you are growing old. But it is a pity that they doesn’t realize, that it is letting go of an asset more precious than gold. And although you seem to be too young to retire, but since the day has come, I applaud you for your years of service and achievement at NITI Aayog (formerly Planning Commission). Please accept my heartiest congratulations and best wishes for your retirement.

Although it has been just a year and few months that I have started working with you, still I will need to adjust to the idea that you are no longer in the room number 401. I have thoroughly enjoyed our association. How I wish that you were born a few years later so that we would have got some more time to work under the guidance of an awesome boss like you. I have already started feeling that as if a part of us is missing. You have always brightened up the whole office. I hope I can do your reputation justice!

I can see very few who have worked as hard as you have. You never took day – offs from work... and there are no day – offs in retirement either. I hope you will enjoy directing your energies into your other special interests.

Please remember that no matter how much everyone wishes you well for your retirement, deep down inside they’re just sad that you are leaving.

All I will say at last is “PLEASE DO NOT BE A STRANGER”. 

Either drive or know how to avoid the bumpy roads of life

I have recently read it somewhere written that “if you feel that you’re the only driver in a relationship; it’s time to park it and walk away.” And Karma says there is no need for revenge. Just sit back and wait. Those who hurt you will eventually screw-up themselves and if you are lucky, God will let you watch. And keeping both these facts in mind and practicing it, which I have started doing recently, all I have reached to is that I am a very patient person and I give plenty of second chances but at the same time I am not a saint also to believe you every second time. I have my own limits as well. All that I have to advice to anyone in a relationship, that if one wants to avoid the probable bumps to occur, he or she should follow three golden rules which are (1) Don’t lie, (2) Don’t cheat and (3) Don’t make promise you can’t keep.

I think the best way to make anyone understand anything is via your silence, because sometimes silence has the power more than the words. And that is why they say, “She used words to say nothing at all and silence to explain everything.”

All I have to conclude is that I am happy to know and to observe a transformed me as I have come to accept the bumpy roads of life. All it seems to lead, the best, transformed and refined you, is to the best ever places. And it is just on the journey you realize the value of true people, people who deserve to stay near to you, people who knows & appreciate your worth and people you can look up to for every small little thing in life.