Long Distance Relationship: there is really something about it

 A long-distance relationship or LDR is typically an intimate relationship that takes place when the partners are separated by a considerable distance. No one is geographically undesirable anymore but many are geographically challenged with the goal of maintaining love at a distance.

Whether you are geographically at a distance or feel like you have a long distance relationship with the person next to you, it is worth asking:  What improves love at a distance? What damages it?

Here Are Some Factors That Play A Role:

Q) Why Are We Doing This?
A) The reason that a couple is at a distance will affect their expectations, their responses and the impact on their relationship. Did you choose the situation together? Are you dealing with a situation that life put on your path?

Clarifying Together - Knowing why you are in a LDR, the logistics, the timeline, the feelings and the expectations, eliminates hidden hurt and resentment and opens up the decision making process. Think of it as an on-going process.

Q) How Are We Doing this?

A) Relationship Security is a function of the sense of trust, faith and commitment one has in one’s partner and the relationship. It is what makes love at a distance possible. There are a number of strategies that enhance relationship security that may facilitate love at a distance

Relationship Maintaining Strategies:

1)   Positivity
An invaluable component of a secure relationship is an optimistic attitude toward your partner and the future. This is often re-enforced by each partner’s own resiliency i.e. acceptance of life’s situation, belief in self, belief in partner, spirituality, creativity, problem solving, and sense of humor.

2)  Assurances
Affirmations of commitment and support are crucial when things are difficult and partners are at a distance. The down-side of a long distance relationship is that the partner is not there. The upside is the degree to which partners come to appreciate each other. No one is taken for granted. Partners send and save the e-mails. They store up what they plan to say and look forward to hearing what the other has to say – their communication is often intended to reassure and connect.

3)  Openness
Disclosure of feelings, concerns and confidences with your partner only happens when you trust your partner and believe he/she accepts you. Being confidantes to each other is a mutual compliment. The feeling and reminder that talking to the partner is different than talking to anyone else affirms your relationship whether it is being done on the phone, in a letter or email.

4)  Sharing Tasks
(a) Positive Plans -Even miles and countries apart, partners can partner. An important consideration is   partnering on positive plans as well as problem-solving tasks. Planning or even fantasizing together about the next vacation or the short weekend coming up is crucial - It keeps desire and hope in the forefront.

(b) Problem Situations -In terms of problem situations, the ability to listen and contain the feelings your partner is sharing, is invaluable. The fact that your partner tells you the problems- DOES NOT IMPLY BLAME OR NEED FOR SOLUTIONS – it means he/she is venting and sharing life with you. Asking if your partner is ok, checking to see if more help is needed, complimenting what he/she has done, and wishing you were there goes a long way. If the problem was solved – even in a way you would not have done it – accept and appreciate it. Partners at a distance need supporters not supervisors.

Q) What Disrupts and Dilutes Long Distance Relationships?
A) Negativity-Research suggests that one of the factors that lead to termination of long-term relationships is negativity.  This is primarily caused by pessimism, high anxiety and continued conflict in the relationship.

Reaction to Negativity -Part of what escalates the decline in the relationship is the reaction to the negativity. When there is no face to face contact or opportunity to de-escalate the tension or even physically connect as a way to reduce pessimism or anxiety, relationship security becomes very difficult.

Q) What about Homecoming? 
A) Some say that the most difficult part of a long-distance relationship is the homecoming. Some partners, in fact, admit that their relationship works because there is no definite homecoming.  They keep separate houses, he is at Northern part for months, and she is career military.

Q) Most partners long for the homecoming or life together.

A) For couples who have never permanently lived together, the decision to live together brings with it the start of a new way of relating and the necessary adjustments and joys that living “ up close and personal” offer.

  

Some Homecoming Tips:

v   Recognize that homecoming or finally being together is a process that takes some time. Be patient and assume the best as you readjust together.

v   You both developed coping styles while living apart– be it friends, the gym, music, books – don’t suddenly give them up or ask your partner to give up his/hers. Don’t make fear-based decisions. Recognize change as valuable.

v   Recognize that love at a distance often fosters the best and most idealized version of our partner. Don’t be upset if you can’t hold on to the thrilling image of your partner when he is home fighting for the TV remote or she is complaining about the garbage. You are both human - there is still magic.

If there is a reason to love at a distance- believe in each other and you will find a way to make it work and a place to be together