Socializing + Solitude = Balanced Life

Deep down, we all find it draining having to talk to too many people.

Having an active social life is one of the strongest predictors of longevity and good health. Human connection is one of the most fundamental and important human drives. But it can also be our most tiring!

Quick question: raise your hand if you ever get tired after talking to too many people. Did you raise your hand? Congrats: you’re human!

I think we tend to overplay our differences, and underestimate just how similar we all really are deep down in our basic needs, striving, and frustrations. Our common humanity. Emerging trends reflect that even though we each show distinct patterns of thoughts, motivations, and behaviors that make us different from each other, we actually display the whole spectrum of behaviors in our everyday life. Everybody sometimes gets tired from too many social interactions, sometimes acts like a jerk, sometimes is lazy, etc. Just some of us are consistently more so on a regular basis than others.

The next question I would like to ask you is if you know if you are an introvert or an extrovert? Understanding your social type can make a huge impact on the quality of your life. Sorting people into introverts and extroverts is a convenient way of arranging people into two different categories of social type. But I acknowledge that this is not a black and white issue, so very few people are complete extroverts or complete introverts.

The most prominent descriptions about introverts can be that they need to be alone and recharge after too many social interactions. While this is undoubtedly true, does this really differentiate introverts from extroverts?

It is found that the more people were acting extroverted and conscientious, the more they reported being in a positive mood and feeling lower levels of fatigue in the moment, but after few hours they show higher levels of fatigue.

Nevertheless, there are real differences between introverts and extroverts that shouldn't be ignored. For one, introverts really do prefer solitude and quiet time more, on average, than extroverts. Also, it is observed that extroverts are more driven to engage in social interactions that particularly increase social status or social attention.

There is direct evidence suggesting that too much socializing is draining for everyone. Indeed, in general, it is recorded that when under stress, tired, or living in crowded circumstances, people often choose to be alone if they can. Taken together, all of this suggests that for most humans on this planet, having a reasonable amount of social interaction and working hard toward goals makes people feel good, but too much of either tends to make people tired after a few hours.

We fall somewhere along the line between extroversion and introversion. Awareness of your position on this spectrum of introversion and extroversion is one of the important steps in discovering your perfect balance between social and solitude. With this knowledge you can begin living more enjoyable life by finding your golden ratio of social time and solitude. The balance between the two will help you move closer to your optimal point of your energy and well being.

Why I am happier without a smartphone

I'm watching a young guy absent-mindedly spinning his iPhone between his thumb and index finger. He reminds me of me. Me when I used to have a smartphone. But a week after after replacing it with a dumbphone (it wasn’t an intentional move though), I can finally see them for what they really are. Toys at best; tools for social media companies to sell your attention at worst.

You point your finger and laugh. Why would you use a dumbphone? Well, I got fed up with smartphones. I got sick of replacing broken screens, running out of battery, fixing broken screen guards and having them stolen. And this time it just went blank in my hands while in use (frustrating) giving me no time to retrieve the data. Also, I wanted to know if I would miss my smartphone. After all, we can't live without them, right?

No, wrong. Totally wrong. I don't miss my smartphone in the slightest. I'm still chugging along without my smartphone over here. Actually, I wouldn't describe it that way. Thriving without my smartphone is a better way to put it. I kind of feel like I've discovered the secret to living a more fulfilling life. Are you ready for it? Be less connected to social media! At least that's what is working for me. I feel like I'm even less accessible to the world now and I love it. Another plus is that I have more time on my hands. I still check Instagram on my old i-phone (4s with minimum space i.e. just 9 GB), but I check it much less often. I've become more deliberate with how I spend my time online, and that has made such a difference. No more mindlessly scrolling. I am more content, more involved in what is happening in my home, and less hurried. Honestly, I haven't come across one negative since I made the switch or have been forced to by the act of GOD!

In fact, I'd say that life is better without it. Let's take a look at why. Here is what I used to do with my smartphone.

1. Chat with my imaginary friends.

I've never been a heavy chat user, but I was just getting into WhatsApp. How am I going to stay connected with those who prefer WhatsApp to anything else? I wondered.

Well, I found a solution for that too. I DON'T.

WhatsApp is an annoying waste of time. Having to send text messages instead of chat is a good way to filter out noise. Then there's making phone calls. Remember when people used to do that?

Having an email on your phone is a great way to keep you working around the clock, but that's not what I'm aiming for. Then there's Facebook, I guess. But that will have to wait for another day or for the time when I access it on my desktop / laptop.

2. Camera

Something that I really love is that my life is now being documented with high-resolution digital photos (credit goes to the high end phones of my friends) instead of blurry, low-def cell snaps with my earlier phone. If I’d had a smartphone, I probably would have sent it to the people using WhatsApp  or would have posted the photo on Instagram immediately after clicking it (which I am doing now with patience and ease) and then checked it a million times to see who liked it. 

But you know what? No one cares how I were matching my saree on a working day, where am I visiting when I am with my husband, or whom I am clicking the pictures with; except me! So posting it to a social media account, by keeping your all other works pending, felt pretty silly once I thought about it.

3. Demonstrate my social status.

Smartphones are a status symbol. Let's face it. If you want to be cool, you have to have an iPhone 7 or 7+. Apple's marketing department decrees it so. What sort of self-respecting hipster would use anything else? 

But ironically, I wasn’t using it earlier also, nor am I using it now. Although given an opportunity, I still want to have it (who doesn’t want a social status) but without the WhatsApp and facebook installed in it.

4. Make phone calls.

My dumbphone can do that too and it does it with much more efficiency and ease, because the entire battery is not drained out of your cell phone when you need it the most.

That's it. If you are tempted to give up your smartphone, even the tiniest bit, I say go for it. You can always switch back if you need to. I don't think you'll regret giving it a try. At least I can't find a good reason to buy another smartphone right now.

Surely not.

But I don't mind receiving one as a gift :)  

Real Love

Real love…hmm—what the hell is it? I know I’m not the only one asking, because “love” is the most googled word there is. I love the quote:“Have you ever been in love? Horrible, isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up.” Maybe love is anything that gets below the surface and shatters your armor.

Some says that romantic relationships are a training ground for true love. I remember this famous line from the movie “Love Story”, “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.”

“Are you kidding me?”

“Love means always having to say you’re sorry, and also always having to say, ‘I forgive you.’”

People talk about divine love, self-love, mother-child love, husband-wife love; maybe there’s one big love and we’re all trying to put it in a neat little box with a label. Maybe to have an overwhelming feeling of love we need to get out of the way—we need to relax and receive the beauty of this moment. Maybe love is the music that I’m listening here on my desktop that, for a moment, leaves me in awe and suspends my normal tick-tock of thoughts.

Can I say, getting hold of the vehicle to cross the ocean of life is love? If yes then OM is the vehicle. Knowing your breaths is a vehicle. And the only way you can do it is by relaxation. Relaxation is key—not lethargy, not spending all of our energy on something that doesn’t uncover our vital essence. I believe that “closing our eyes and just observing our breaths” can bring us to a state where we might catch a glimpse of an all-inclusive feeling of vastness, where maybe love makes us lay on our mats with tears streaming down our faces. Doing this is never the uniform process across all humans. It’s never about getting it right or wrong, rather it’s all about whether you do it or not. Is there patience, is there curiosity, is there a balance between yin and yang? These are questions we should be asking ourselves while we’re trying to hack the flow state. 

And later when we open our eyes in new ways and when we look at something we’ve been looking at for years, we subtly get to see and hopefully feel, something entirely different. It would definitely bring out the ways which brings happiness to us, when we are happy just for ourselves. It teaches us to remain calm and composed during challenges and especially that moment when we’re about to react. It is a practice of softening the ego and reaching for our highest self.

I believe consciousness is a choice, either we want it, or we don’t. If you haven’t done this till today, start fresh. And start the fresh chapter of life by asking yourself, “What you want to do when you start fresh?” And when I am asking you to ask this question to yourself, you may want to ask me “How do you move ahead when you do not know what would be your next step?” My sincere suggestion is get moving and get going. Follow the flow of life. Everything Connects (believe me, it does). Trust Fully and Surrender Completely. And you will be perfectly OK.

And whenever you are gone away, keep coming back to trust, keep coming back to the process of knowing your breaths, keep coming back to the silent moments when you interact with your own soul; JUST KEEP COMING BACK. Because success is the only outcome of this process.

If we don’t get to know ourselves in this way, how can we tap into that love? And if we don’t tap into that love, how can we share it?

I realize that this is a lot of questions and nothing affirmed. But that’s love, right? Maybe? I don’t know.

Love,

From my heart to yours,

Tanu

Lessons I learnt being in a Long Distance Relationship

There are no two ways around it… being apart from the one person you most want to be spending time with is stressful. Learning to communicate well and stay connected across distance is stressful. And there are plenty of other things that pop up in life that are stressful, too.

Dentists, anyone? Exams? Driving in Capital?

Is stress always bad for us?

Don’t get me wrong, stress is not always bad for us.

Without some pressure in our lives, we stagnate. We need some challenges in life to help focus us, motivate us, and keep us stretching, learning, and growing.

However, too much stress can overwhelm us—at least temporarily.

Most of us in long distance relationships have experienced times when we felt close to breaking or completely overwhelmed.

And what do we tend to do when we feel stressed and overwhelmed?

We often reach for things that bring us comfort (familiar foods and routines). Or escape into entertainment or games. Or try to avoid the things that are stressing us out.

We often to spend all our “coping energy” on what we need to do to get through the day, and then take out our fatigue and frustrations on those closest to us.

How stress impacts your relationship

Many couples communicate quite well when life’s skies are sunny and it is all smooth sailing. However, when clouds roll in and the wind picks up, it can be a different story.

When you or your partner (or both) are tired and stressed, misunderstandings and conflicts can arise as quickly as summer storms.

You might find yourself getting annoyed more easily. Or arguing more frequently. Or speaking to your partner in a curt, impatient tone you’d never use on a work colleague.

On the other side of the coin, you can find yourselves confused and frustrated by your partner moods, words, and actions. You can feel helpless to know how to approach them (especially if you’re far apart), or what to do or say.

Either way, the very relationship that you count on to help sustain you can become another draining source of tension, right when you need help the most.

How to stop stress destroying your relationship

One of the best things you can do to make these times easier is to discuss these dynamics with your partner when you are not tired or stressed.

The better you understand how each of you typically thinks or feels during times of stress and pressure, the better you will be able to encourage and support each other during those extra-stressful times. Yes, even if you’re far apart.

Answer these questions

Here are 10 questions you can talk over with your partner.

These questions are designed to help you learn more about how each of you responds to stress and pressure. Take your time with these and really delve into the details! Discussing these questions on good days (before you’re all stressed out) will yield big dividends on bad days. I promise.

1.    What are the biggest sources of stress or pressure in your life right now?

2.    Where is the biggest mismatch in your life right now between what you believe and how you are acting?

3.    Do you feel “out of balance” in any area of life right now? What are those areas?

4.   When you feel stressed, how does that show up in how you interact with other people?

5. When you are under pressure, what are some of your “early warning” signs of stress?

6.   When you become aware of your early warning signs, what do you do to help prevent your stress from growing?

7.    What are some of your typical self-care and coping strategies when you are stressed, tired, or anxious? (Make sure you think about coping strategies you use that are “good for you,” and those that “aren’t so good for you.”)

8.  What are one or two things that help you manage stress and pressure that you want to be able to do more often?

9.  When you are struggling, how can your partner best help you? What are good ways to approach you and good questions to ask you when you’re stressed?

10. Since caring for yourself is foundational to being able to care well for your important relationships, how can your partner encourage you to take care of yourself?

Just another random mystery

If you’d ask me for one word about how Rishi and I felt with each other, for being together since so many years now, I would say “AZAAD”. We felt free with each other, without any boundations to entertain each other all the time.

          He’d be sitting in one corner of the room while I would be in another, with NUSRAT filling the space between our comfortable silences, where I’d be packing my bags to leave again and he’d be sitting and browsing through YouTube or busy attending the limitless phone calls. In between we’d stare at each other, smiling and I’d melt. I’d lose all my concentration for few seconds, before regaining myself.

          Rishi would stare outside the window, sometimes the mirror and most of the time his mobile phone that usually fills our surroundings there in Jammu. Whereas, I usually find myself sitting in our room, catching the birds flying back to their nests, orange sun settling behind the far looking hills, stray dogs settling themselves in the cozy corners of the streets and the decreasing number of vehicles on the busy road and sometimes catching hold of his face and holding his palms or hugging him tight in a comfy hug. We are use to spending our days with the routines in our respective places and evening like these when together.

          Remembering a day when we saw that movie together. As he laid down next to me, staring at me and he said,

“If you ever write about me, think of me as a man who was free in his soul, who flew with wind, and yet longed for love. A love that could move the world. Write about me as LOVE.”

          And then today, on the eve of his birthday, I sat down to write about this love that have filled my life with colours, care, charm, calmness and full of memories to hold on to. And the first thing that I could write was about love within me because of him.

          That is the thing about us. Rishi and I are always destined to be together, and we knew it since day one, when he was sitting in the balcony of a calm place somewhere in Jammu and I were standing near the parking lot of the busy south Delhi market and messaging him, just after few days I have met him for the first time.

          We knew that that our companionship won’t be easy like a cake walk and yet we went ahead with it. Loving each other in every moment, for we never knew which moment would have been our last. But we sailed through all the odds and as we were destined to be together, we are together, stronger than ever and to be with each other till our last breath on mother earth.

          With each night I spend in Jammu, with him, feeling his physical presence, smelling his magical fragrance; the morning comes with a beautiful promise. As I watch the sun rising from behind those small looking hills and ironically the bigger looking trees and painting them golden with its rays, and I watch his angel looking face, deep in sleep and Thank the Almighty for every moment of magic that had and have the power to change my life forever.

          I think these are the mornings I fall in love with him again and again for forever and ever again.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LOVE