How to say NO" to others

 

“I find it a challenge to say no to people and often, I end up with too many commitments than I’m comfortable with. However, if I say no, I worry about them being unhappy or offended. Why do I feel this way? How can I learn to say no and not end up feeling bad about it or not offending the other person?”

Do you hate saying no? Are you always saying yes to others at the expense of yourself?

Personally, I used to find it very hard to say no. Whenever someone approached me for something, be it to pick my brain or assist them on a personal project, I would say yes. Part of it was because I didn’t want to leave others in the lurch. Part of it was because I didn’t want to disappoint people. Another part was because I was afraid that the other person would be unhappy if I said no.

Over time though, I realized that saying yes came with its consequences. Because I kept saying yes to everyone, I would have little time for the things on my agenda. My days would be filled with things that others wanted from me, with little to no time for things of my own. I would regularly sacrifice my personal time just so that I could be there for everyone.

It wasn’t long before I became weighed down by the constant pressure to be there for everyone. I was utterly miserable, burnt out, and unhappy. My time was no longer my own — it was taken over by what others wanted from me.

Why It’s Important to Say No (And Why We Find It So Hard To Do So)

In an ideal world, we want to say yes to everyone, sure. But as you can see from my case, saying “yes” to everyone isn’t the way to go. You need to say no in order to

·  Manage your time. In an ideal world where we have unlimited time, we could easily say yes to everything. But the reality is that we have limited time a day. In order to get things done, we need to say “no.”

·  Set boundaries. When you don’t draw a line between your needs and others’ needs, people will assume that you should give by default. When you say no, you start to set boundaries and protect your personal space.

·   Have time for your Quadrant 2 goals. Quadrant 2 goals are the most important goals in your life, such as finding your passion, starting your business, and building your relationships with your loved ones. Saying no is about protecting your Q2 goals and making sure that you have time for these goals.

· Be happy. When you say no, you control your time. You control what goes into your day. And you get back to being in the driver’s seat of your life.

Yet for many of us, we find it tough to say no. This can be due to reasons such as…

1. Fear of being rude. You are afraid that if you say no, you would be regarded as being rude. I was brought up thinking that saying no, especially to older people, is rude.

2. Desire to conform. You want to be a positive and well-liked person, so you say yes. You don’t want to be seen or labelled as difficult.

3. Fear of conflict. You are afraid the person may get unhappy if you reject him/her, which may lead to an ugly confrontation.

4. Fear of lost opportunities. You are worried that saying no means closing the door to new opportunities.

5. You want to help. Deep down, you want to help the person. So you say yes even though you really can’t afford the time.

Yet these are not real reasons to say no.

Ultimately, it’s your right to say no. Every “yes” comes with its costs — the commitment, the time, and the effort to honour the request. While the cost may be small for each “yes,” little trickles of yes’es over a long time will eventually deviate you from your long-term goal.

How to Say “No”

When it comes to saying no, you want to achieve two aims: you want to say no effectively, and you want to say no tactfully. Here are my 5 tips to say no.

1. Be direct

Just be direct and get to the point.

As a general rule, whenever I find it hard to reject someone, I have a two-sentence rule to get it over and done with. Start off with a “Sorry, I can’t.” Then, give your reason in one sentence.

2. Be sincere

Here’s the thing — most people will accept your no when you are sincere in your rejection.

Note that this tip only works for people who respect your personal space. If you’re dealing with persistent folks who don’t respect your space, then it’s better to just say no without giving too much information.

3. Be positive

We’ve been taught to associate no with negativity, and that saying no will lead to conflict. But it is possible to say “no” and maintain a harmonious relationship. It’s about how you do it.

To start off, stop associating “no” with negativity. Realize that it’s part and parcel of human communication.

Next, when saying “no,” explain your position calmly.

Even though you are rejecting the person’s request, keep the options open for the future.

4. Don’t make yourself responsible for others’ feelings

Part of the reason I resisted saying no in the past was that I didn’t want to make others feel bad. I felt like I was responsible for how others would feel, and I didn’t want others to be unhappy.

At some point, we need to draw a line between helping others and helping ourselves. To be of service to others, we need to prioritize our own health and happiness. Don’t make yourself responsible for others’ feelings, especially if they are going to respond negatively to your “no’s.” If the person accepts your “no,” great; if not, then that’s too bad. Do what you can, and then move on if it’s beyond what you can offer… which leads me to point #5.

5. Be ready to let go

If the person is disrespectful of your needs and expects that you should always say yes, then you might want to re-evaluate this relationship.

Too often we are taught to maintain harmony at all costs, which is why we dislike saying no — we don’t want to create conflict. But when a relationship is draining you; when the other party takes you for granted and the dynamics of the relationship is skewed in the person’s favour, then you have to ask yourself if this connection is what you want. A healthy relationship is one where both parties support each other. It’s not one where one party is constantly giving and giving, while the other person keeps asking and taking.

If you’re dealing with such a person, then the question to you is, is this relationship worth keeping? If no, then it’s simple — simply let go of it. If this is an important relationship to you, then let the person know about this issue. It’s possible that they are not aware of what they are doing and an open, honest conversation will open their eyes to it.